I captured a white pawn earlier this month, quite by accident. The piece was appropriated from my cousin’s living room. It must have been swept indiscriminately from the floor when my daughter’s Lego bricks were tidied into a travel tub on departure. Earlier that afternoon, she had played a game of ‘Chess’ against a relative, […]
Long ago, in a simpler, more innocent age (alright, in 2014), a bubble of excitement briefly formed in the tech world, centred on the launch of an app called Yo. Business Insider explained succinctly, that it was “a one-tap notification app that sends a one-word message —“Yo” — to other users.” It added, “There’s no
Car horns are the worst one-tap app ever Read More »
Early childhood generates some of our most powerful memories. We remember the first instances of joy, disgust, fright and love. In a matter of years we find ourselves subject to greater emotional depths, and our memories correspondingly become more complex. I’d argue that as soon as we’re old enough to form a truly vivid memory,
Childhood memories, ranked by embarrassment Read More »
I’ve been on a quest to expand my vocabulary for much of my adult life. The past couple of years have seen an unprecedented surge in word-nerd activity. As I outlined in part one and part two of this exhaustive linguistic tour, I now stand atop a mountain of phrases, foreign and domestic. And I’m
Captious Confessions Of A Word Hunter Read More »
One ripple effect of the death of Queen Elizabeth II was a minor uptick in Google searches for the word catafalque. Unfortunately, the global news media failed to pick up on this riveting development. Those organisations thereby missed the opportunity to interview me as a fascinating counterexample: a rare member of the public who was already
At the Frontier of Lexical Perplexity Read More »
Of my many weird obsessions, arguably the most niche is my enjoyment of mistranslated toy packaging. Now, as a baseline, I can glean amusement from any kind of English-language packaging produced by a company without the resources to employ a professional translator. But with discount toys, this phenomenon reaches an awkward apotheosis. The hunting grounds
The Infinited Mistranslations of Discount Toys Read More »
A carpark in Croydon. Speaking to a male acquaintance with growing incredulity, a woman is relaying an urgent phone call that she recently took from a friend. “She said ‘I was repainting my flat, naked.’” The woman pauses, then poses the obvious rhetorical question. “Who paints naked?”. This seems a reasonable line of inquiry to
London Lucky Dip: painting naked and adopting house plants Read More »
In which I make a series of disturbing discoveries on the way to the shops, and witness a surreal, theatrical dispute on the streets of Wimbledon… The pavement is deserted and dark at 5pm, slick with rain, which is falling in a light haze. Below the curb, between two parked cars, I spot a large
London Lucky Dip: Gutter Baby and Discount Prospero Read More »
All you need to get in great shape is a pedometer, an unforgiving inner monologue, and the wisdom of Spinal Tap. It worked for me! Obsessing over step counting is an idiotic waste of time. Sorry, I was just talking to myself. But you might as well hear it too, dear reader. At best, Fitbits
The Shadow Scorecard of the Fitbit Fanatic Read More »
Ignorance is bliss. So is caffeine. Here’s how my morning coffee was ruined by science… There are some facts that, once learned, you wish you could immediately scrub from your memory. A couple of years ago, I read that it’s best to abstain from coffee in the first hour after waking, because caffeine interferes with
What is there to look forward to, except coffee? Read More »
