I’m supposed to attend a superhero fancy dress party very soon, and I may have found the perfect accessory.
I find myself on the second floor of a cosy independent clothes shop. It’s evening, sometime in late autumn, maybe in the past.
I’ve discovered a replica of the cowl that Michael Keaton wore in his two Batman movies.
The cowl costs £85. My wife and friends are with me and they seem to think buying this item is a good idea.
Everyone is excited. They share in the anticipation of this ostentatious purchase. They want to try it on, too. It’s like an expensive car that everyone will get a ride in.
But I will go first. In fact, large circles of kohl are already being applied around my eyes, to darken the small area of exposed flesh between my sclera and the large almond-shaped eye holes in the cowl.
I look ridiculous, like a panda. But when I don the cowl, the effect will be complete.
In fact, I could throw a thick, dark blanket around my shoulders and I’d be most of the way to looking like the Caped Crusader.
Abandon Keaton, go West
But then I think, this is £85, for one party!
This is a party that I’m probably going to tolerate at best. I’m not a ‘party person’. Knowing how things usually go, I’ll probably want to leave after an hour. Surely, this is too much money to spend on one party.
As I experience this premature buyer’s remorse, I discover a cheaper cloth alternative. It’s not really a Batman cowl per se. It’s more like a cotton balaclava, with shorter versions of the iconic bat ears sewn into the crown.
The look is closer to the one worn by Adam West in 1960s TV show, but without the fabric covering the forehead, eyes and nose. The full facial portion of the balaclava is open.
I detest the West-era Batman almost as much as I love the Keaton iteration. But I reason that I could maybe paint my face, or my wife could fashion a domino mask or something, so that I look a bit more like the Dark Knight.
Plus, I already have a Batman t-shirt bought from Next, more than a decade ago, with an inverted Bat symbol on the front. Admittedly it’s quite worn and tatty now, but that will kind of complement the shabbiness of the balaclava.
It’ll do for a party, for god’s sake! It’ll show that I was creative and made some effort, without seeming too ‘try hard.’
It feels like a big deal now to disappoint everyone – my wife, my friends, the guy at the till – but I don’t want to spend close to £100 on this party.
I’m not Bruce Wayne. Even in a dream, I just don’t have that kind of money to throw around
