All you need to get in great shape is a pedometer, an unforgiving inner monologue, and the wisdom of Spinal Tap. It worked for me!
Obsessing over step counting is an idiotic waste of time.
Sorry, I was just talking to myself. But you might as well hear it too, dear reader.
At best, Fitbits and other fitness ‘wearables’ provide an imprecise measure of fitness. The ubiquitous benchmark of 10,000 steps per day is an arbitrary figure that cannot be applied on a uniform basis regardless of age, size or mobility.
Like the ‘five-a-day’ fruit and vegetables rule, 10,000 steps is a baseline – a health goal promoted in the forlorn hope that the average adult will, at least, try to achieve the minimum.
If you want evidence of the plasticity of these standards, look no further than the suggestions that we’d be safer eating seven portions of fruit and veg, but that many of us can’t even stretch to two.
Despite the dubious foundations underpinning the step-counting trend, there’s still a sliver of philosophical merit in investigating people’s obsession with these numbers – enough to squeeze out one short personal essay, at least. The problem is that the definitive meditation on compulsive pedometer syndrome has already been written.
So step counting is pointless, and writing about step counting has been rendered pointless, as well.
But like a lot of pointless obsessions, both step counting and writing help to pass the time and make me feel like I have some agency in an indifferent and inscrutable universe. So let’s keep moving on.
The Tufnel Strategy
Over the years, whether I’m using a Fitbit or my phone app, the daily goal has been the same: employing what we might call The Tufnel Strategy, I set my daily benchmark at 11,000 steps.
I’ve always reasoned that such a goal would have a couple of key benefits. It would mitigate the inaccuracy of the counter (they often over-count) therefore ensuring I really made it to the daily goal. Also, it would allow me to feel superior to the majority of other users, shuffling past me toward their factory-preset goal.
100,000 steps provides a terrific ego boost, for at least half a second
The joke is on me here though, because really only a total of 14,000 steps per day (or to be precise, 14,286 steps) is ‘acceptable’. That daily goal yields a nice, round total of 100,000 steps per week.
This provides a terrific ego boost when I scroll through my stats – one that easily lasts for half a second, sometimes longer.
Failures to meet this total have been rare – almost unthinkable, unless I’m undergoing some personal malaise or contending with the existential fallout from government-ordered limits on personal movement.
One December a few years back I failed to make my steps on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Not because I sacrificed my personal goals in favour of heartwarming seasonal experiences with my family, but because I spent most of those two days bedridden with a comically unpleasant stomach bug.
I still recorded more than 4,000 steps per day – a total that pays vivid testament to the numerous journeys I made from bed to the bathroom to deal with another ecstasy of dry retching.
10,000 steps, 11,000 steps, 14,268 steps – none of these are real goals. They’re as theoretical as ‘five-a-day’; the real goal is always set on a sliding scale and, in my case, it’s rarely enough.
The Shadow Scorecard
I’ll leave you with a look at my scorecard. This is not the ‘official’ 11k benchmark scorecard, as calibrated in the Fitbit app, but the shadow scorecard, the one I keep in a locked drawer in the back of my mind, along with a revolver and a foreign passport.
This scorecard is printed below in its entirety, along with commentary from ‘the coach’ – my nurturing, supportive inner voice of encouragement.
11,000 steps – Shameful. You may think this is ‘the baseline’ because of your prosaic reading of the rules, but ignorance is not an excuse. People should only make this mistake once.
12,000 steps – Maybe you don’t realise it, but you’ve just walked through my hallway with shit all over your shoes. This is almost worse than 11k. Someone could probably stumble to 11k without really knowing their steps were being counted. Exceeding the goal to such a meagre degree implies that you fully understood what was expected, and yet were still complacent in executing your goal.
13,000 steps – This is a wake-up call. Compared to the alternatives, this total probably looks passable to you. In its proper context, it’s not nearly up to scratch. This is your Yellow Submarine LP. Time to stop phoning it in.
14,000 steps – Acceptable. Table stakes, basically. This is you, making it into the office on time, showered and dressed. It is the least we expected from a grownup. Really, do you need me to praise you for remembering to brush your teeth?
15,000 steps – Out of the woods.
16,000 steps – Don’t get cocky.
17,000 steps – Mildly satisfying. On a par with the sudden, unexpected clearing of a summer rain shower.
18,000 steps – Showing some promise here, if a little rough around the edges. But this is why we do it, for the chance to see raw potential realised some day in the big leagues.
19,000 steps – Almost more perfect, or at least more pure, than 20,000 steps. Sorry for getting misty-eyed, there’s just this uncomplicated innocence at the amateur level. Things are never as simple afterwards, so savour these moments.
20,000 steps – This is where the professionals operate – they don’t get out of bed to walk less than 20k.
21,000 steps – …and professionals know they have a noble, almost sacred obligation to go beyond the foothills of ‘the twenties’ – to inspire us by showing us what’s possible.
22,000 steps – I’m hesitant to put a number on it, but this could be the gold standard of performance: doubling your daily goal is the mark of someone special. (Or at least someone who meets expectations – we can all improve.)
23,000 steps – This is where you have to press your advantage. When you’ve made it this far, you need to run up the score.
24,000 steps – Really run it up.
25,000 steps – Don’t overdo it, though. Pride is a sin too.
26,000 steps – And listen, you could stand to make some progress in other areas besides exercise. It would be good to see that inbox looking a little slimmer, for starters. All this time you’re wasting on steps isn’t going to get the laundry done, or cook that ratatouille you promised to make.
47 steps – Oh, look at that, it’s midnight. You should be in bed. You’re only going to manage six hours of sleep now, at best. That will probably impact tomorrow’s score.
